a sermon on conformity this morning. how fitting.
summary: acts 5. these two people conformed and look, they’re dead because of it. hypocrisy. masking. fake it ’til you make it. don’t conform. be real, be honest. conclusion: conform to the likeness of jesus.
kind of contradictory in my opinion. don’t conform. except wait yes do conform. but to the correct right true things.
. . .
do i even have a choice in the matter?
from the instant my being was conceived, be that physically or in the mind of god, i have been formed and molded and directed and tied and sculpted and boxed-in. from my dna, the conditions in my mother’s womb, my family, my race, my country of origin, the off-gassing of new toys and furniture in my room, my ‘predispositions,’ my tendencies, my birth order, my generation. victim mentality you say? sure. let’s put some labels on things to make the box walls a little stronger. ocd tendencies. major depressive disorder. type-a.
ya. i choose certain things. i choose them based on the limited selection available on the shelf predetermined by the monopolies. i choose them from a list labeled red and blue that have been filtered through all sorts of systems. i choose them because they are the ones in a language i can understand. i choose them based on the hormones or the lack of sunlight or the chemical imbalance. i choose them out of necessity. i choose them because the plot was written long ago. i choose them because my strings gave me no other option.
. . .
i want to believe. or at least i say i want to believe. i don’t want to doubt. or at least i say i don’t want to doubt. i want to choose. or at least i say i want to choose.
i guess i must not want it enough. i must not be focusing on truth enough. i must not be in community enough. i must not be reading the word enough. i must not be praying enough. i must not have been honest enough. i must not have faith enough.
if i really was honest
if i really said what i was thinking
if i really laid it all out
if i really took all the masks off
a hand on the shoulder
a look of worry
a convincing speech
where am i going with this? who knows.
again. writing for survival.