{cloudheaded}

in the sky i have found ground. some call it cloud. loud noises are muffled up here, near to the stars. far, far from the sound pounding on the drums of their ears. fears causing tears. drip drop pop bang shots are fired. all so tired. wired. constantly plugged in. wearing thin. begin and end. begin and end. rinse and repeat. beat so loud no one can think. ink on skin just to remember.    remember what?shut your mind don’t rewind. remind me of why i’m here. peer into the sky. why?is it so high?lie on the ground. pounding starts once more. soar into the night. flight might make things alright. fly! on a quest! west, and north and south and east. feasting on the sights. night. stars appear. drifting near to them. at peace.

but what goes up must come down. frown.

{cloudheaded}

eternity deserted

water in hand
through world of sand
searching seeking
all is leaking
through her grasp
grip
drop
drip
hold on tighter
knuckles whiter
flight or fight her
heart. beat.
beat
beat blue and black
black. heart
attack
siege within
hid by skin
to win
is losing
death is gain. slain
either way.
body cast on oceanless shore
destroyed by war,
she is no more
hollow shell – a living hell – the well
she sought is now her home
a constant roam – a darkened maze
pervasive haze for daze and days of
weightless fall.
call
out.
and
up.

no reply.
sky long gone.
no heat. no light.
no end in sight.

eternity deserted

Old Journal Page (with additions)

you know when you find something you wrote a long time ago and it still resonates with you?  and helps you to remember that there is indeed a connection between the person you were then and then one you are now?

you know when you drive to and from somewhere in total silence, even though your whole family is in the car?

you know when you just can’t think of the right words to describe how you’re feeling?  and you are aching to share with someone who will understand…and you feel a pressure coming from inside that threatens to explode…but there just isn’t anything you can do about it?

you know when someone corrects you and then you just don’t feel like talking anymore?

you know when your eyes are tired and your brain is cloudy and all you want to do is sleep but you can’t because you have too much to do? or when you desperately want to sleep but instead are plagued with insomnia and you find yourself staring into the blackness listening to the person next you breathe, wishing you could rest that easily at the end of the day?

you know that feeling when you’re about to cry and your eyes kind of sting and your throat gets a strange tightness?  when you realize that you are experiencing a feeling you’ve read about so many times but never really paid attention to until just this moment?  when another person puts words to the exact sensation you are feeling?

you know when you read a book that defines your life and it makes you feel more lonely and less lonely at the same time?

you know that breath that calms you, keeping you from making an enormous mistake?

you know in that moment of shock and panic where you can suddenly feel the adrenaline in your veins and your heart sucks into itself, tightening, and then EXPLODES and you are sure that if you had been looking at your chest it would have been visible from the exterior and that if your heart hadn’t been connected to your insides by all those veins it definitely would have jumped right out of your throat and landed on the floor with a splat?

you know when you start to think in questions or with a certain degree of repetition and then cannot stop no matter how hard you try which furthers your conviction that you have an addictive personality?

you know that moment of perfection when you are laying in the grass on a hillside with a breeze around you and kids laughing in the distance and watching the clouds pass above and the leaves lazily drift from the trees and time stands still and you wish you could bottle that feeling and keep it forever?

Old Journal Page (with additions)