Should I be a YouTuber? (10 of 30)

So, this is shocking, I know… But I am still asking the question of:

what am I doing with my life?

and I still don’t have any answers.

I have a list of things that I have interest in and I have started on all sorts of different projects (I published a children’s book.. I have an Etsy shop… I have this blog… I have a stack of art and illustrations in my studio… I know how to sew… I like learning about personality typologies… I have a passion for language and reading and childhood and creativity and small businesses and education and lists…).  I currently get paid for doing occasional architectural freelance work (that’s what my college degree is in), babysitting, and cleaning a couple houses.  So I make some money, but not much. And I am married. Just in case you are wondering how I am not homeless yet…

But anyway, recently I have been considering the possibility of starting a YouTube channel.  While I think it could be a cool format to share some of my passions, there are all sorts of things hindering me from doing this… but I decided to take a bunch of online quizzes to see what the internet had to say. Here are the answers I got:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Let’s just take a second to laugh at the one that said I should have a Beauty channel.  I don’t know what I possibly could have answered to get that outcome, but I can assure you that I am neither qualified, nor do I have any desire to start a beauty channel. (Props to people who do! That’s just SO not me.  The only makeup I put on most days is eyeliner. I don’t even own eyeshadow.  My little sister had to teach me how to use foundation before my college graduation.) Needless to say, Beauty Channel won’t be the direction I go with my future.

I can’t say that these were the most enlightening online quizzes I have ever taken. (But I also cannot say that they were the least enlightening either…) There were also some YouTube videos that I watched about the process of making a YouTube video and some of the things to consider.  Here’s one of them:

I also watched (and took notes on) the free portion of the video series here… which had some good points, but was honestly pretty intuitive information overall.  Here are the notes I took:

jumpcut notes

While the this whole process did not end up being remarkably helpful for determining if I should or should not be a YouTuber, I did listen to a podcast yesterday that included a lot of good things to consider. Find it here on Personality Hacker’s website. Basically it was suggested that those of us ‘who don’t know what we are doing with our lives’ are asking the wrong question.  We should instead be asking, what skills would I like to develop? And who can I talk to who is successful in something that might be even slightly interested in? Because a job/career path is more likely to be the emergent of these things that it is just going to fall in our lap one day while we are taking online quizzes.

So I guess that’s what I will be journaling about for the next few days… what skills do I want to focus on developing?  And who would I love to gain some wisdom from in my life?

Do you feel like you have found your passion in life? What got you to that point?  I’d love you hear your stories, so please feel free to share them in the comments!

Should I be a YouTuber? (10 of 30)

Below the Line

There’s a sickness in my soul
It’s filled with self-creating holes
The blood both paint and soap
washing painting losing hope
Entropic forces rip apart
Tear the wholeness of the heart
Ceaseless void and darkened eye
Deep and never-ending sigh


Below the Line

Referential Existence

Words are so remarkably frustrating. They never fully encapsulate what I am trying to convey… the swirl of thoughts and logical strands, the elegant images and buzz of emotions tingling in my veins… they never flow out of my mouth, instead they tumble and crash like the waves on a beach trying to reach the dunes but failing because their shoes have been tied together and so they fall on their face and are dragged back to the sea of confused meaninglessness by the moon, which doesn’t even make any sense because the moon is so far away so how can its influence reach us.  These things, these letters and words are so limiting so constraining so endless so infinite so definable so utterly incomprehensible…

I took a poetry class in my final year of college.  I sat in a desk,
watching our professor try to pull the strands
just enough to let the light come through the impressions painted with pens,
just enough to get a glimpse of the supple curves and delicate skin,
without shedding the fullness of the harsh light that would shatter the seduction.
Just enough to convince us that we are not alone in our aloneness,
that others, too, are thwarted in their attempted sharing of the solitary oneness of self,
looking to the tilted mirrors of those around them, disappointed.1
Yes, and2
That others, too, recognize words as an elegy to what they signify,3
wavering between being and loss, awash in an incommunicable sea of existing.
That others, too, have sensed the strangeness of holding an unusable, yet somehow beautiful, broken tile of memory 4 in hand with a gentle wondering of what to do
that others, too, feel themselves at the center of a powerful and baffled will,5
Yes, and that others, too, are desperately avoiding erasure6
Aware of oblivion’s inevitability7
And the feeling or fact that
what has been done will be done again
and that there is nothing new under the sun8
And that originality is a myth
And that why is ultimately unanswerable

And so,

Vladimir:             What do we do now?
Estragon:             Wait.
Vladimir:             Yes, but while waiting.9


1 Hass, Robert. “The Apple Trees at Olema.” The Apple Trees at Olema. Harper Collins, 2010.
2 Rankine, Claudia. Citizen: An American Lyric. Graywolf Press, 2014.
3 Hass, Robert. “Meditation at Lagunitas.” The Apple Trees at Olema. Harper Collins, 2010.
4 Hass, Robert. “Novella.” The Apple Trees at Olema. Harper Collins, 2010.
5 Hass, Robert. “Misery and Splendor.” The Apple Trees at Olema. Harper Collins, 2010.
6 See footnote 2.
7 Reference to John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars
8 Ecclesiastes 1:9
9 Beckett, Samuel. Waiting for Godot. Grove Press, 1954.

Referential Existence


Hello out there to the few, the proud, and the emotional. 

. . .

This blog:

my blogging cycle

This post:

this post

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


My Current Life Transition:



Obviously both have pros and cons, good days and bad days, and much more to say about them then I listed.  And I am incredibly grateful for my architecture freelance job. But in general, these seem like some of the biggest differences, a week into the transition:



Gotta get off this computer. My shoulders really are killing me… How did I used to do this for 8 to 11 hours a day?!


Beneath the Insomnia

_20160923_184552.JPGShe paints the same canvas
Again and Again
In her dreams
while they sleep
and it sleeps.
Because otherwise
they never stay still
long enough
to dry
Her tear
drops of paint
That leave trails
of subtle color
behind them
And behind them
previous paintings
also made without brushes
That always end up
painted over
the next morning
to hide the evidence

And the canvas of it all
Is her face
and her fears
For at the core of each night
when stripped down
She will always find that stark white woven surface
of fears and insecurities
whose texture shows through each layer
And whispers to her
between brushstrokes
Reminding her that
There is no escape
For gravity cannot be bribed
And the running never stops because he’s holding death in his hands, at her head, and as the neurons fire she finds they sound remarkably like gunshots and all she seeks is safety and sleep
But she can never find foundness
Awake or asleep
So as she tries to decide which one is less terrifying,
She paints.

at the core of each night
mare each poem each painting,
Remains a reminder of running,
is running.

Beneath the Insomnia