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General Ramblings

Who do you want to be?
How do you want to be?

I want to be able to write a blog post without second guessing every word and sentence that I type.    I want to be thoughtful and intentional, but and confident and full of self love.  I want to be logical and full of faith. I want to have mystical experiences and a healthy amount of doubt. I want to follow through on the things that I begin.  I want to be calm about life in general, and passionate about things that I think matter, and intensely emotional sometimes, because that’s life and living and being human.  I want to do what I love but not at the expense of the planet or my family or our financial security. Or maybe I am okay risking my financial security.  I don’t know.

Maybe that’s my motto: I don’t know.  One time someone pointed out to me that I say that a lot. Other people use umm and like (and I use those too, I’m sure), but they pointed out that one of my fillers is definitely ‘I don’t know.’  Which is fascinating the more that I think about it… Am I that lacking in confidence that even when I am just talking about my own opinion I feel like I need to express my lack of certainty?  Is there a degree to which that could be healthy?  Humble? Or is it a lack of self-esteem?

Do my constant questions get annoying?  Maybe in addition to writing a blog post a day for a month I should have some additional side quests.  Like writing a whole post without any hypothetical questions or questions in general.  Creating a ‘visual storytelling’ post (see an awesome example here).

What I really would love is some clarity.  Like, what am I doing with this life?  Am I living it in a way that on my deathbed I won’t look back filled with regrets? What are the things I care about and are they incorporated into my daily life?  Am I making responsible choices?  Am I positively impacting the world and lives around me?  Am I growing? Am I healthy (emotionally, physically, spiritually, and anything that I forgot)? What have I always wanted to do or improve at that I have been too afraid to actually pursue/try?  (skydiving, check.  not killing my houseplants, NOT check.)

I think part of why I feel like I keep writing these same posts over and over again of: this time is different! here are my goals! new years resolutions! is because, I think, humans are BY NATURE forgetful.  We constantly have to be reminded of things.  Especially in a world where our attention is being pulled so many directions all day long.  And I have found that especially without much routine that I have a definite issue forming new habits and reaching goals.  I mean, I did write, illustrate and publish my children’s book… So I guess I need to not be so hard on myself… But I feel like I have been struggling to get motivated about something new and so I guess this is my attempt at re-centering myself.

Letter to Myself

Dear Megan,

If you are reading this, that means that you are struggling to write a blog post.  Here are some things to keep in mind:

  1. Be gentle with yourself.  No sense beating yourself up because that only causes shame and a loss of self esteem and more money spent on Leinenkugel’s.
  2. Let’s be honest.  You aren’t some big lifestyle blogger or something, so if you post something that isn’t remarkably stellar it really isn’t that big of a deal!  The people who genuinely love you will have grace for occasional mediocrity and the other people have 82 bajillion other blogs they could read (like this one or this one or this one) if your blog doesn’t pique their interest anymore.  AND THAT’S OKAY.
  3. What is it that your ‘welcome‘ page says?

    “glad to have you here in my little space of thought and processing.  pardon the mess.  that’s just the way life goes around here, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you ask me.”

    This is the CONTEXT for this ENTIRE BLOG.  If people want perfection, the internet provides plenty of sites that offer pristine kitchen photos and make-up tutorials (not hating on those, just saying that’s not why I am here) Plus, you’re working on your other “more professional” site that can be as professional/perfect as you want it to be.

  4. This is about knowing that you are capable of meeting the goals that you set for yourself.  This is about empowerment. This is about commitments and positive life changes.
  5. Here are some ideas in case you’re still stuck:  review a book you read, post art you made, update your Blacksburg walking progress, thoughts on a recent podcast you listened to, things to do with kids, Harry Potter Hogwarts Mystery app review with all of those screenshots you have been taking, a hope, a fear, a question, a myth, something that is often misunderstood about personality typology, a yummy new recipe….

This is about to be corny as hell, but don’t cringe and just go with it: Past Megan believes in you, Future Megan.  You got this.  (also, totally thinking about a time in freshmen year when we made time capsules and someone-who-I-will-not-name joked about peppy self-letters filled with corny encouragement just like this. lol You know who you are… ;) )



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Hello, whoever you are who is reading this.  You may be new, you may not have noticed, or perhaps you don’t care, but I just realized that I have been so particular recently in what I have been posting in this blog that I feel I am being exactly what I DON’T want to be: curated, edited.  I want to be honest and real and rambly (that’s not a word, but you understand…one of the awesome things about language  – webster doesn’t dictate what I can or cannot communicate).  I want to be profound and dumb and whiny and inspiring and hopeful and downcast…I want to be REAL.  In everything that I do.  But instead I feel like I am actually being true in nothing.  Instagram gets a different part of me than Facebook does, and I still don’t understand Twitter to be quite honest, and here, on my blog where I feel the most real, I still feel this need to have a certain theme or whatever.   So what if someone scrolls through and moves on because I am too unpredictable in my content to follow.  I shouldn’t care, right?  Except that’s not really how it works.

I can preach all day about facades and honesty and give off the air that I am above caring about it all.

But I’m not.  I care desperately.  And I HATE that.  I HATE that I have been checking my number of followers on IG, that I have been wondering why people have unfollowed me, why I can’t reach 250, when some people hit 1,000 without breaking a sweat.  I am intimidated by the vast number of talented creative people all over the web and IG and etsy.  How will I ever stand out among them?  Why would anyone ever choose to buy a piece of art from me when ten thousand people are doing it better?

Comparison kills.

(speaking of which, so does smoking.  there’s research to back it up.)  It sucks any enjoyment out of the things I am doing because I never measure up.

It’s a constant striving, a constant desire for more and better, but ultimately for most and best.

And so I see that ugliness in me and my reaction is to seclude myself.  To run from other people.  Because then instead of facing that ugly jealousy in myself, that voice saying “you’ll never be as [good, smart, pretty, skinny, successful, creative, kind, artsy, motherly, perfect] as they are. just give up now before you fail.” – instead of confronting those things I go into my metaphorical cabin in the woods.  For a while I am content with the birds and the grass and the sunshine and books and art…but that loneliness always comes creeps back in.  And the part of me that has spent a good deal of time in Christian community says, “well, if you were finding your all in Jesus, you wouldn’t be feeling so lonely. that hole you feel is just that God-sized vacuum” or whatever quote I am misquoting….point being, then I feel ashamed at feeling lonely, guilty for wanting to rejoin society.  And then I step my toe in the water, go on a coffee date or whatever, and find myself tripping down social stairs with my tongue tied around my ankles. “How did I ever interact with humans in the past?  I can’t even tell a story without coming across like a lunatic!” And then I end up online again, where I can filter my thoughts before I send them, photoshop my acne, delete my whining, hide my tear-stained cheeks.  UGH.

My best friend and I have been talking about some of these things recently.  (Even being able to say that I have a  best friend (and an awesome one at that!) is such a blessing.)  And I am doing a lot of reading and thinking related to the digital world for my thesis.  Do we need people?  Are we cheapening our stories and our lives by sharing them in bits and pieces on all of these social media sites?  Is the digital inherently harmful for social interactions?  Can it be done in a way that is life-giving?  That actually allows for understanding and connection and authenticity?  Does that mean narrowing down to just a few places to invest?  (the internet never really ends up working like that though it seems…)  But today I read the blog here  titled “Is Blogging Dying?” by Mayi Carles where she definitely convinced me if there is one online place to invest, particularly if I am going to actually try and start a business, it is on a blog.  Which after thinking about it, makes a lot of sense.  If I don’t like the pressure of chronological posting (the feeling of always needing something fresh and new and better than the last thing) I have some degree of control to alter that here.  Maybe in the end that’s a horrible way to go about having a blog, but at least I get to make that decision for myself, and can choose to change it myself.

Anyway, now I’m really off track… I think being married to a man who rarely (never) tells a story without tangents and mid-thought rambles has rubbed off on me more than I think it has. haha  Not that it’s necessarily a bad thing.  Rambly just may end up being the best description after all.  The opposite of curation. Which is also, incidentally, not a word.