frustration, thankfulness, etc.

note: i will probably come off as sounding self-focused and lamenting and bitter and ungrateful. and to some degree i am. i am aware of that. simple honesty and expression of thoughts/emotions is the aim.

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i figured it out
my frustration
or part of it at least:

christianity basically aims to make me feel guilty that i am

i didn’t ask to be here. i didn’t ask to be born, to be alive. and yet here i am. which is all fine and good… except for the expectation that i then be thankful for that fact.  grateful for a ‘gift’ that you can’t prove i wanted to begin with.  and on top of that, as soon as i was conceived i was deemed sinful, not by anything i did, but by my very being, which i remind you i did not ask for.  and then, without my asking and before i existed, you died for me to cover for this inherent sin. and i, again, am expected to be eternally grateful. appreciative. in awe. awe that this little puppet was chosen to be born and deemed sinful and ‘redeemed.’ did i ask you to do that?

i am not saying i shouldn’t be thankful.
i am not saying i am not ‘sinful.’
i am not saying i am not grateful for life.
but these expectations are frustrating.

i am thankful for the trees that reveal their thin and wiry frames every winter and create dappled shadows on my shower curtain every spring. i am thankful for the sun that paints the sky each morning and evening with its fiery tendrils and the way the clouds morph before my eyes as they glide across the purest blue imaginable.  i am thankful for the expanse of the darkened sky and the glittering reminder of the vastness of creation. i am thankful for people who see and care and think and imagine and create and love and cherish and laugh and cry and smile and listen. i am thankful for those deep and satisfying tones that resonate from the cello and how perfectly they can compliment the easy, playful ukulele and the wonderfully common acoustic guitar. i am thankful for my eyes to see this world, my ears to hear it, my nerves and skin to feel it.

so god. i am thankful. maybe not for the “right” things. but i am pretty sure you know that already. i need to say it anyway.