It upsets me that I end up crying in church all the time.
It upsets me that Christianity feels so arrogant. And that it condemns a large portion of the world to hell. And that a lot of the time it turns people into projects and checkboxes. And that God’s sovereignty can be used as an excuse for a whole range of things. And that the woman at the playground didn’t even care who I was as a person or what I had to say when she handed the Jehovah’s Witness pamphlet to me.
It upsets me that we exist in a broken world but that God hasn’t fixed that yet. And it upsets me that that increases my doubt and causes me to question his sovereignty, power, and existence.
It upsets me that every image or thought I have about God is tainted by my humanity, and that I am supposed to be able to see him as perfect, when all I have are imperfect people as previous reference points.
It upsets me that I have to try and discern the difference between biblical truth and fiction created by “christian culture.”
It upsets me that I can’t read the Bible without twisting the words or getting stuck on some theological/philosophical issue (e.g. the problem of evil or the interplay of sovereignty and free will).
It upsets me that faith is so difficult.
It upsets me that I don’t understand. And that this can be answered with “well you’re finite so what do you expect.”
Death upsets me. Seeing my mother-in-law fight for her life for four years only to die after all upsets me.
It upsets me that we are given friends and loved ones only to lose them. And it upsets me that the sermon today seems to suggest that this is to teach us a lesson. And it upsets me that all of life feels like a lesson to be learned.
It upsets me that I have a friend dying of cancer. And it upsets me that praying seems futile. And my pessimism upsets me.
It upsets me that life isn’t fair. And it upsets me that I feel guilty for saying that as I live in a free country with a roof over my head.
It upsets me that I am small and insignificant. And that I don’t feel in control of anything.
It upsets me that sovereignty and manipulation seem interchangeable. And that I feel like a pawn.
I am upset by the feeling that Christianity promotes self-loathing and low self esteem.
It upsets me that the arguments against Christianity feel so potent. And that so much can be explained by science and psychology. Because this makes faith seem even more impossible. And it upsets me that my doubt makes me feel inferior. And causes me to fear becoming ‘a project’ to my Christian friends.
Empty words upset me. And hypocrisy.
And it upsets me that sometimes I feel so much anger inside but I don’t know what to do with it.
It upsets me that this list is so long and that it is only the tip of the iceberg. And it upsets me that it shows my selfishness and my price and my brokenness and my laziness and my need and my misunderstanding.
And it upsets me that numbness feels like a more tolerable way to exist than having to deal with all of these things that upset me.
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In response to the opening question of: