Lingering

Like mascara trails down her cheek,
exhaustion in muscles weak.

The tender ache of a bruise,
the baby weight you can’t lose.

Trembling after his rage,
sense of loss after emptying cage.

The taste of wine that you sip,
the ghost of his touch on your lip.

Final song at the end of the night,
hurtful words that were said in a fight.

Garlic scent still on his breath,
The longing left after a death.

Smell of smoke in the distant wind,
sense of shame; accusation: you sinned.

Sense of dread from that first casket view,
Eerie silence post storm blowing through.

Emotion of dreams upon waking,
It’s all over yet shoulders still shaking.

 

That’s not a good reason!

This is just a rambling exploration of some topics that have been on my mind. I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic if you have any!

Exploring Good Reasons

What are good reasons for doing something? Valid reasons? Healthy reasons?

I am guessing all of these are based on individual values, more or less.  If I value the opinion of others, I am going to be more likely to say that doing something because I know that so-and-so will think highly of me is a good/healthy/valid reason to do something.  If I value doing what makes me feel good, I assume that would impact my criteria for defining good/healthy/valid.

A Christian may use the Bible or prayer to help determine a course of action.  A good/valid/healthy reason for giving to the poor may simply be because the Bible says to do so.  On the other hand, someone may view that same decision as a “bad” decision because they live by the phrase “give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day; teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for his life.”  So perhaps a good decision would be to get involved with an organization that helps homeless men develop skills to obtain a job.

Reasons to go to church could range from going to worship, going to save face, going to follow through on a commitment, going for the social interaction, going as a learning experience. Which of those are “good or bad”?

Some Other Reasons:

If you were a good daughter you would do your chores.
If you were a good Christian you would go to church.
If you cared about your family you would make dinner.
If you love me, you’ll have sex with me.
If you care about your health, you’ll stop smoking.
If you value your commitment to your job you’ll work late.
If you value your commitment to your family you’ll come home at 5pm.
If you don’t want to get arrested, you’ll put some pants on.

I am going to do my chores because I am a member of the family and we share responsibilities.
I am going to do my chores to avoid making my dad mad.
I am going to see the movie because I want to.
I am going to see the movie because my friends all want me to and I don’t want to disappoint them.
I am going to try smoking because it’s cool looking.
I am going to try smoking because I like trying new experiences.
I am going to try smoking because I hear lung cancer is pretty fun.
I am not going to see the movie because it costs too much.
I am eating dinner because I am hungry.
I am wearing pants because it is cold outside.
I am wearing pants because public nudity is against the law.
I am wearing pants because public nudity makes other people uncomfortable.

Exploring Manipulation

So… what is manipulation? And is it “bad” to manipulate other people?  Are there times when manipulation is justified? (see this article for an interesting discussion of that question) What if the thing you are trying to get them to do will ultimately be beneficial for them?  Are you the one who gets to decide what is beneficial?  Are some things just objectively beneficial?

manipulate: verb, control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously

All marketing is manipulative (an attempt to influence a person to purchase a good or service), however is marketing that touches on fears or insecurities somehow worse than other forms of marketing?  If the people creating the advertisements genuinely believe that their product will improve the lives of their customers, is the manipulation justifiable?

At the end of the day, aren’t we all constantly attempt to manipulate/control/influence the things, events, and people around us?  And even ourselves?

Reason Equation

“What are the reasons for which people do things? A common answer is ‘the pairing of a desire and a belief within the agent’.” (from this webpage)

I desire to avoid conflict and I believe that going along with what other people say will allow me to avoid conflict.

I desire a promotion at work and I believe working late will help me to achieve that.
I desire a promotion at work, however I don’t believe that working late will impact that.

I desire my own emotional stability and I believe that attending this event will not be helpful for that.
I desire to avoid triggers, and I believe this event will contain triggers.
I desire for my friend to feel loved, and I believe attending this event will help her to feel loved.
I desire for my friend to feel loved, and I believe she will know I love her even if I don’t go to this event.
I desire to know what all the fuss is about, and I believe I will find out sooner if I go to this event.
I desire personal growth, and I believe that going to this event even though I don’t want to could be helpful for that.
What desires are prioritized?  What beliefs have the biggest basis in reality? What desires and beliefs align with one another? What is the ultimate decision?

Kicking Butt & Taking Names

Hey everyone!!

So after that previous post containing some unfortunate news about not getting the Penland scholarship, now it’s time for a FUN POST filled with exciting news! Remember how one of my 2018 goals was to write, illustrate, and publish a children’s book? Well, that goal has officially been accomplished!  After getting my test print, I ordered 150 books that were delivered to my door this week!  Meggoline is officially in print! (There’s a lot of exclamations points in this post so far, I know.  But I’m just SO EXCITED!)  I unloaded the boxes into this massive stack in my studio and have spent the last couple days signing them, addressing envelopes, packaging them up, and making trips to the post office!  Thankfully the postal workers have been much kinder about having to process all of these packages than I had thought they would be.  Let’s hope that continues because book orders keep rolling in!!  I am so, so grateful to everyone who has supported me on this journey so far!  Whether through backing my Kickstarter, leaving kind comments on my Instagram updates, liking my Meggoline Facebook page, or ordering the book itself, it has all been very encouraging and uplifting.

So what’s next for me?

Right now I still have a couple dolls I need to finish for the Kickstarter rewards. (I have loved sewing them, but MAN they are taking longer than I had anticipated!)  Then I have a couple collabs I hope to work on with some lovely folks on Instagram. PLUS, I am getting my Etsy shop prepped for a re-launch on May 1, 2018 (mark your calendars)!  And meanwhile, don’t you worry, I am definitely still brainstorming ideas for my next book!

Scroll down some photos of the printed book and stay tuned for more fun things to come!

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No Hope, No Disappointment

It’s easier to just share the highlight reel, easier to only show the happy, exciting moments.  Just like it’s easier to be cynical, easier to give up, easier not to hope for anything.  Because it’s hard to deal with disappointment.  It’s hard to fail or feel like I didn’t live up to expectations.  It’s hard for things to not go as planned.  And so I think I have had a tendency during my life toward cynicism.  I have spent a lot of time looking at the potential pitfalls and expecting the worst.  The thing is, you’d think this would make the unexpected goodness more joyful, but instead it tends to just rob the joy from the whole process.  It stunts my ability to authentically care about the things I care about and to get excited about the things for which I am hopeful.

To put this in context, months ago I found out that Jay Ryan of The Bird Machine was going to be one of the artists leading a session at Penland School of Crafts this summer.  I have wanted to learn to screenprint for quite some time now and am in love with Jay Ryan’s work (to prove this love, I can attest to having four of his prints hung in my apartment, in addition to his book on my shelf), so this news definitely caught my attention.  After looking into costs, however, it was clear that I wouldn’t be able to attend without a scholarship.  I spent weeks putting together an application, choosing what to include in my work sample, and getting recommendations.  I was really excited about the possibility of learning a new skill and getting to meet other artists. Even if I didn’t get my first choice of session, I was excited about any possibility of attending Penland.

After waiting months to hear back, I got a response in the mail today.  As you can probably guess, based on what I’ve said so far, I wasn’t awarded a scholarship and thus won’t be attending Penland this summer.  After reading the rejection letter I went outside to sit and think for a while.  I found myself oscillating between emotions, trying to convince myself of apathy yet also feeling definite disappointment.  My thoughts kept returning to, “See, this is why you shouldn’t hope for things.  Getting excited just leads to disappointment.  How did you let yourself fall into that trap?  Haven’t you learned anything?”  I kept trying to tell myself, “It’s better this way anyway.  Now you won’t have to face that social anxiety, won’t have to travel, and you won’t have the chance to make a fool of yourself in front of all those other artists.”  But then something caused me to stop and looked at what was going on in my head.  And as I did this, I noticed a newfound desire within me to fight these thoughts.  I want to give myself the freedom to be upset, to feel disappointed.  I want to use this as a way of helping to gauge what I am actually passionate about, instead of pretending, trying to convince myself that I wasn’t that interested in it.  Now, of course I don’t want to dwell in the disappointment.  I don’t want to let it consume me, but I do think a healthy level of it is okay.  Especially if I can somehow use that emotion to propel me forward try again, to work harder, to keep chasing (and helping to identify) my passions.

“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”
― Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture