Living Hell

If I could get rid of it, would I? If I could mute the constant questioning, deny the constant search for meaning, end the constant ebb and flow of persuasive and dangerous emotions…would I?  I think it would feel like denying part of me. Denying really the only part of me that feels genuine, authentic, true. But then again, I even question that. Maybe this part of me comes from growing up in the Catholic church in age of skepticism surrounded by a world devoted to the question-driven field of science. Maybe it comes from knowing death too early in my psychological development.  Or maybe there is actually no “me” at the center of my being.  No core.  So what?  That’s one of the questions that attaches itself to the end of every stream of questions… if I determine that Christianity is objectively true (if objective truth exists), so what?  What will that mean for the way I live my life and how I interact with the world around me?  Or what if I determine that the world around me is really just a scene in the mind of God and at the end of the thought we are all forgotten?  So what? Does that impact how I live?  What job I will look for?  How I will raise future children?  The decision to have future children?

Knowing everything that comes along with it, would I want others to think the way I think and to see the world the way I see the world? Would I subject them to this torture for the sake of having a conversation?  For the sake of escaping this perpetual isolation?  this gut-wrenching loneliness?

At my deepest level, I honestly think that I have just been wired to seek truth and to ask questions. And I don’t know that I would get rid of that desire if I had the option. Because the alternative appears to me to be a mindless robot, going through life without really having any meaning or purpose.  Acting on half-convictions and partial truths.  Potentially programmed to look happy, maybe even to be happy.  On one hand, childlike faith sounds so appealing, so peaceful, so content.  But on the other hand, it sounds like my living hell.

Living Hell

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