Inescapable

Stop.
Please stop.

Their gunshots
like the drops
on her forehead,
Cold and penetrating.
She shut her eyes
and her mind
between each:
bracing herself for the next,
steeling herself.

She had, for a long time, liked to think that her mind was indestructible
But slowly, slowly
she was learning otherwise

She turned the knob, just slightly, so the faucet would slowly and consistently drip fat, cold drops. She stepped over the edge and laid on the bottom of the tub so that her small body would be aligned to let the drops fall precisely on the imagined x in the center of her forehead
drip
As the heat was drawn from her body and her bones became self aware, her eyes no longer saw the bathroom and her ears no longer heard the silence.
drip
She was elsewhere,
this child,
fascinated by torture
And slowly, slowly
she found that a mind,
like steel,
will corrode
given enough water
and time

drip.

And now
their gunshots and you
surfacing in the ocean of silence
A jolt
in a dream
bringing back all the memories and realities
Like an earthquake splitting the surface
simply to remind the world
of its layered existence
sewn together.

Inescapable

Beneath the Insomnia

_20160923_184552.JPGShe paints the same canvas
Again and Again
In her dreams
while they sleep
and it sleeps.
Because otherwise
they never stay still
long enough
to dry
Her tear
drops of paint
That leave trails
of subtle color
behind them
And behind them
previous paintings
also made without brushes
That always end up
painted over
the next morning
to hide the evidence

And the canvas of it all
Is her face
and her fears
For at the core of each night
when stripped down
She will always find that stark white woven surface
of fears and insecurities
whose texture shows through each layer
And whispers to her
between brushstrokes
Reminding her that
There is no escape
For gravity cannot be bribed
And the running never stops because he’s holding death in his hands, at her head, and as the neurons fire she finds they sound remarkably like gunshots and all she seeks is safety and sleep
But she can never find foundness
Awake or asleep
So as she tries to decide which one is less terrifying,
She paints.

And
at the core of each night
mare each poem each painting,
Remains a reminder of running,
is running.

Beneath the Insomnia

[((shellter))]

brick low resThe small finger traces the maze of mortar, sliding through streets that run between buildings of brick in a vertical city
and that finger doesn’t know that a standard mortar joint is assumed to be 3/8″
And that brick sizes are determined based on that assumption
And that Frank Lloyd Wright spec’d colored mortar to accentuate horizontality
And that even though the little pig was protected by his house of bricks that the walls of home can’t protect from everything
Because so much of this world is a facade
And it’s the wood framed interior that goes up in flames
And the mold of sadness in the basement that slowly creeps in
And the termites of time eating away at the bones
But her bones are still young
And her skin is still soft
And her eyes are still smiling
For they haven’t yet witnessed the things that huff and puff more viciously than that wolf.

If only the shelter of childhood was built to house us all.

 

[((shellter))]

only you, my friend

For when the going gets tough
The tough get going
And you are definitely tough,
My friend.
For not many
Can look Death in the eye
Unflinchingly
As He tries to catch them.
But instead you caught
Perseverance
You caught determination
And you caught yourself before your face hit the ground as the bike skid out from under you
Knocking only the wind from you
Instead of the information we so desperately desire
Because we are nosy
Or loving
Depending on who you ask.
And we wish we could catch you
But it’s tough,
Because our legs have only been trained to catch people who want to be caught
And you,
my friend,
are too stubborn for that.
And only you,
my friend,
Would help someone else
learn to run faster,
work harder
as your own body
is learning lessons
and waging battles
of its own.
And only you,
my friend,
would be riding a bike with no brakes
in the first place.

only you, my friend

Unfinished

Her signature unknowingly picked up the gauntlet
that he unknowingly dropped.
And this unknown challenge was both imaginary and impossible:
there were no rules and all the rules,
nothing was defined and everything was.
With no weapons and all the weapons,
it was all and nothing

Like the space between walls

that we call rooms

And the pauses between words

that we call necessary

But his homelessness felt all too familiar
Longing for the lives and places that were no longer his
Now existing in an obsession with isolated oscillation
A mouthful
Of memories
Creating the pieces she held between her fingers, trying to place
Because she was accustomed to the lonely company of puzzles
Wanting their wholeness for their own sake
For she imagined she knew what it felt like to be shattered into 1,000 pieces and placed in a box on a shelf for a rainy day

But this one,

this one was like the one at Goodwill –
Where she was startled by the violent eye contact made across the room
While standing in the checkout line
And he walked in through the door
And neither knew what the rulebook had to say about this
So he disappeared amongst the shelves
And she out the door.
But now every time she goes back
She can’t help but feel her stomach drop out of her torso
Like it did in that moment
In the store with the puzzle himself –
Who never gave her the satisfaction of having all the pieces

So instead of admiring the whole
It’s the gap that holds her attention,
The emptiness that drives her insane
As she sits still trying to determine if anyone won
Amidst all the losing.

Unfinished

The Accident

A white car in fog heading towards her
driving home his points and ideas
with no lights on
so nobody sees him coming.
But they break down –
The metaphors that is

He should have called it a mini van
His ghost child trailing behind him.
But it’s a fog eat fog world in here
Where everything slips through fingers
And she questions if he’s even real
Because she’s always been a cynic
Or so it seems
As she secretly covers a deeply dug pit
of hope
that waits to be filled
Because she’s always been a dreamer
Or so it seems
As she secretly swallows a premeditated handful
of sleep
that waits for no one

And she realizes what is happening
too late
and just in time

Now it’s all just a stinging cheek,
a tear streak, a journal page, and a drawing from the girl in the room down the hall, who also walked in socks to the attendance sheets that set them free…
And by free, we mean from the walls of daycare and the restless nights and the twitching of the cocaine addict and the heads that speak like talking to children, their eyes making sure we didn’t find our shoelaces – God forbid;
For freedom is different for those trapped by their own skull and skin

And he drives to the coast
To submerse himself in freezing water
To let the waves crash instead of him
Because we’re all trying to be alive and asleep simultaneously
Because we’re all looking for someone who might pretend to care, even for a second, about our shattered dreams and broken expectations
Because we’re all in a silent state of solitary confinement, just looking to make eye contact

(But they break down)

And maybe there’s no fog where he came from
So who’s really to blame?

The Accident

Reviewing Recent Reads

(…because all adore alliteration…right?)

I love reading.  I can never remember a time in my life when that wasn’t true.  I love words and stories and definitions.  One time in elementary school I tried to convince my teacher to let me read the dictionary for a book report.  (Unsurprisingly, my powers of persuasion were not quite strong enough win that argument.)   I think the ability to convey thoughts and ideas through symbols on a page (or screen) is amazing.  And I will definitely always choose to read a physical book over a digital one (but absolutely no judgement on all you eBook fans out there.  I will admit that choice does seem more environmentally conscious.  However, it doesn’t change my love of holding a bound stack of paper, flipping pages, seeing and feeling my progress through a novel.)  That being said, you can find a list of some of the books I have read here.  I am always open to new book recommendations!  Feel free to comment below or shoot me an email if you have any!

Since graduating in May I have had more time to read for enjoyment and I am LOVING it.  When the kiddos go down for a nap or get returned to their parents, I almost immediately will have my nose in a book (or trying to learn languages on Rosetta Stone before I lose my college-based subscription… learning Chinese and brushing up on Spanish.  Gotta keep my mind active with something other than my ABC’s and colors!)  In this post I wanted to give brief reviews of the books I have read this summer:

the glass castle

 

The Glass Castle

by Jeannette Walls

Highly recommended to everyone.  This is an accessible true story primarily about the childhood of Jeannette Walls.  She grew up in a situation that most would label quite unique.  Often on the run and living in extreme poverty, the Walls family is characterized by their loyalty to one another, their creativity in desperate situations, and their atypical view of conventional society.  Life is viewed as one grand adventure…and whether this is a survival mechanism, hopelessly optimistic, incredibly brave, or remarkably ignorant is open for discussion. This book provided insight that caused me to rethink and reexamine many of my previous assumptions about poverty, homelessness, childhood acquaintances, and family.

sign with your baby

Sign with your Baby
How to communicate with infants before they can speak

by Joseph Garcia

Recommended to parents or soon-to-be parents who are interested in increased communication with their child.  This book not only teaches basic sign language to be used with babies (and toddlers!!), but also contains a lot of helpful information about how to go about introducing sign language into your child’s life, when the best times for new words or phrases are, what to expect in terms of their understanding and reciprocation, and the reasoning behind the increasing use of sign language as a means to communication.  Frequently asked questions (such as, does sign language caused for a delay in speech? how can this help avoid the phase typically coined the terrible twos?) are also addressed.   At the back of the book is a compilation of numerous signs and their meanings.

As a nanny/babysitter/caregiver this book was interesting to me in numerous respects.  Not only am I getting to put the signs into practice with a few of my little ones whose parents are on board, I have learned more about the importance of eye contact in learning, the need to be attentive to both verbal and nonverbal communication, and some of the supposed causes of tantrums.  This book suggests that frustration with an inability to effectively communicate needs/wants/desires is a primary cause of the tantrums…which makes plenty of sense to me! How often as an adult to I feel like kicking and screaming when someone isn’t comprehending what I am trying to get across! Next up, I am looking for a book that can teach me more about how to teach respect for authority and some effective and loving ways to go about disciplining children.  As much as I always just want to be the fun babysitter, there is a very real side effects to a lack of authority and discipline.

borderliners

 

 

Borderliners

by Peter Hoeg

Highly recommended book to readers willing to step outside of their comfort zone.  This book doesn’t necessarily fit into any familiar genre.  It is plot-based to a degree, with character development, but also involving wider ideas about time, education (particularly the Danish education system), childhood, and psychology.  Told from the perspective of an inquisitive child, with the insight of an adult… this book was quite enchanting.  Examining social and political issues related to Danish boarding schools, the question of discipline as it relates to childhood, friendships/family/personal history, and a child’s interaction with time, Borderliners touched on so many topics I personally find interesting and did so in a way that was both exploratory and speculative.  My only negative comment would be that the ending felt rather abrupt.

 

wool

 

Silo (series)

Wool, Shift, and Dust

by Hugh Howey

Recommended if you’re looking for a dystopian trilogy. Living beneath the surface of the earth is a silo full of people, going about life – living, dying, fertilizing plants, having babies.  The view of the earth’s surface above is a bleak one: desolate and dust-filled.  Though as far back as can be remembered, this is how life has been.  However, in some circles there remains an unspoken feeling that something is not right.  Who is really in control?  And how can one search for truth in an world where simply speaking of a single thing can get you killed?

The first book starts rather slowly and it took a bit for me to get into the plot, but once I did I found the ideas interesting. The tale that was being weaved became more complex, more interesting, and (in some ways) more terrifyingly plausible.

 

Well… that’s my first attempt at reviewing books I have read (at least, first attempt since like fifth grade). Hopefully I get better with time!

Pictures of my travels to come. :)

Reviewing Recent Reads