m y s e l f

I am feeling anxious, uncomfortable, unsettled, off.  And I can’t put my finger on why, or even really how. It’s like something has changed, shifted.
Or maybe it’s that nothing has really changed and that’s what I’m feeling.  Stuck, trapped, cornered, wary.  Not trusting myself, not trusting others.  Not trusting my own experiences.  Not trusting my ability to discern what is good for me.  Not trusting myself to take care of me, to stand up for me, to have my best interests in mind.
Or maybe it’s all of the gluten recently.
Or the loose ends.
The unsent email.
The crickets sneaking around my living room.
The nightmares to come.
The insecurities of old.
The relentless voices, the thoughts, the music, the screens.
The things and things and things.

Breathe.

How is it that I forget that?  How is it that I can forget an essential and automatic function? How am I so disconnected from my body?  How did I come to live so fully in my mind?

How do I learn to trust the journey? To enjoy the process?  How do I dig into things instead of running away? How do I ground myself in something that isn’t constantly shifting?  How do I find stability?

How can I trust myself when I betray myself again and again?  How do I heal from the wounds that define me?  Who am I without them?  How do I protect myself without being cynical and hardened?  How do I let people in without letting them destroy me?

How do I learn the things nobody has ever taught me?  How do I find the courage to do it all again and again and again? How do I believe that it’s worth it?

How do I find myself? Amidst everyone else, amidst the shoulds and the expectations, amidst the habits? How do I know what she likes, what she dreams, what she feels? How do I get her to know her when she keeps disappearing every time other people are around?  How will I recognize Myself?

Will I know her when I find her?

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m y s e l f

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